


Acedia: Incorrect Quotes

by Kuroyuki_Kokuyoku



Series: Acedia Universe [5]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling, Katekyou Hitman Reborn!
Genre: Attempt at Humor, Crack, Humor, I'm doing this to cure my writer's block, Multi, do not copy to another site, feel free to give me suggestions, incorrect quotes compilation
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-03-19
Updated: 2020-03-18
Packaged: 2021-02-26 15:23:51
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 2,484
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23208262
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kuroyuki_Kokuyoku/pseuds/Kuroyuki_Kokuyoku
Summary: Title is self-explanatory. This is something I whipped up for fun. Just to clarify, everything in this is not canon…...well most of them.
Series: Acedia Universe [5]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/824412
Kudos: 49





	1. Part I

**Author's Note:**

> With the whole coronavirus quarantine put into place, I have a lot more time to spend on my stories. Let's hope I can get my next chapter out sooner or later.
> 
> Warnings: crude language, suggestive themes, and possible spoilers for next chapter(s).

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I am the only serious character in this story, that's the joke." -Squalo

"I am the only serious character in this story, that's the joke." -Squalo

* * *

Hadrian: Do you want me to get you an ice pack or some painkillers?

Gargouille: I want to die.

Hadrian: Why do the people I talk to always order off-menu?

* * *

"Hey! I know a game we can play. It's called 'Shut the Hell Up Before I Shove This Bloody Butcher Knife Down Your Fucking Throats!'" - how Hadrian took over the Varia kitchen

* * *

Belphegor: After being exposed to the wonders of internet culture, how is it that you still don't understand the beauty of  _ memes _ ?!

Kaguya: And  _ anime _ !

Hadrian: I use Internet Explorer.

* * *

"On the day Fred and George Weasley were born, they had to call in the exorcist instead of a midwife." - how Arthur started his eulogy at their funeral

* * *

Levi: Could you keep it down? I'm trying to think.

Belphegor: Don't worry, trying anything for the first time is hard.

* * *

Severus: Quick! Everyone, pretend to be gardening!

Severus: Remus, grab that hoe!

Remus: (*grabs Sirius's arm*)

Severus: That's not what I meant!

* * *

"People tend to not fuck with you when you have someone else's blood on your face." - Belphegor

* * *

Varia Mook: (*sees blood-stained kitchen*) Did you just kill Ottavio?

Hadrian: Oh, no. That was another guy. His name was "Shit Sherlock", first name "No".

* * *

Moody: You have to forgive Dumbledore. He has a heart condition.

Moody: He doesn't have one.

* * *

"I really suck at saying sorry, so unfuck you." - Xanxus

* * *

Lussuria: They call me coffee because I grind so fine.

* * *

Squalo: They call me coffee because I keep you up past 2 am.

Xanxus: They call me coffee because I'm really bitter, and most people don't like me without changing some aspect of what I am.

Lussuria: …

Squalo: …

* * *

"Stop trying to schedule all your meetings on 'February 51st.'"- Gargouille to Kaguya

* * *

Belphegor: You up for a quickie tonight?"

Hadrian: It's pronounced quiche, and no. We're actually having ramen for dinner.

* * *

"I hate it when people ask, 'What's the stupidest thing you've ever done?' Like… Awfully bold of you to assume I've reached peak dumbass." - Hadrian

* * *

"THE POWER OF SANITY COMPELS ME! THE POWER OF SANITY COMPELS ME!" - Hadrian sometime after Chapter 2 while repeatedly dunking his head into a tub of holy water

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Virtual onigiris to those who could tell where I got these quotes from (cuz for the most part, I either have no idea or have completely forgotten where I got them from)~!


	2. Part II

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "THE POWER OF SANITY COMPELS ME! THE POWER OF SANITY COMPELS ME!!" - Gargouille sometime during Chapter 6 while repeatedly dunking his head into a tub of Rain-enhanced Draught of Peace

"THE POWER OF SANITY COMPELS ME! THE POWER OF SANITY COMPELS ME!!" - Gargouille sometime during Chapter 6 while repeatedly dunking his head into a tub of Rain-enhanced Draught of Peace

* * *

“I’d tell you to go to hell, but I never want to see you again.” - Hadrian to Gargouille

* * *

“McDonald’s does serve breakfast after 10:30 if you bring a gun.” - Reborn

* * *

Kaguya: (*talks in weeb*)

Belphegor: (*memespeak*)

Levi: Boss, Cat Sìth, they're speaking in tongues again!

* * *

“Sometimes it physically pains me to hold back my sarcastic remarks.” - Hadrian

* * *

Hadrian: Explain to me how you two got in an accident.

Kaguya: Well, we were driving, and there was a deer on the road. Leimakid didn't notice, so I said, "Leimakid, deer!"

Hadrian: And?

Kaguya: Tell him your answer, Leimakid.

Leimakid: ...

Leimakid: (*sighs*) "Yes, dear?"

* * *

“So glad I’m blind so I won’t see how low key fucked up the world is.” - Kaguya

* * *

“Let’s play ‘how rude can I be until you realize I don’t like you.” - Gargouille to Kaguya

* * *

Belphegor: (*gasp*) Surgery is stabbing someone to life.

Mammon: Please never become a surgeon…

* * *

“My favorite pastime is asking Vardoger and Eidolon a question that requires thought and watching the single brain cell they share bounce between them.” - Gargouille

* * *

"Excuse me. I am still a man. A manly man. A man who-" - Lussuria

* * *

Eidolon: We will face God and walk backwards into hell...

Vardoger, signing agressively: “...With two fingers raised. The third fingers of both hands to be more specific.”

* * *

“Way to go, the bar was set so low... Yet you still found a shovel and tunneled underneath it.” - Tsuna to Iemitsu at some point during the Ring Battles

* * *

Kaguya: (*appears*)

Leimakid: Why didn’t anyone tell me the world has two suns?

* * *

Kaguya: Words cannot describe how handsome you are.

Levi: Aw, thank you-

Kaguya: But numbers can. -300/10

* * *

Gargouile: I have this uncharacteristic sudden urge to do something stupid.

Eidolon: I'm stupid, do me.

...

Eidolon: Did I say that out loud?

* * *

Xanxus: Levi, take out the dog.

Levi: Yes, Boss. (*shoots dog with a shotgun*)

Xanxus: ...for a walk, Levi.

* * *

Leimakid: Is this the part where you tell me that if I ever hurt Kaguya, you'll kill me?

Hadrian: No. If you hurt Kaguya, she's perfectly capable of killing you herself. Possibly with a variety of weapons.

* * *

Varia Mook: Lady, are you on your period?

Kaguya: I started out my day waking up in a pool of my own blood. Is that how you'd like me to end yours?

* * *

Tsuna: Aw, you shouldn't do that. You might regret it.

Mukuro: I don't think I'll be feeling an ounce of guilt anytime soon.

Tsuna: Oh no, you misunderstood me. I meant that as a  _ threat _ .

* * *

Kaguya: You remind me of the ocean.

Xanxus: Why the ocean?

Kaguya: Because you're salty and scare people.

* * *

“My middle finger gets a boner whenever I think of you.” - Hadrian to Gargouille

* * *

Belphegor: So what's for dinner?

Hadrian: I can't tell you. It's a soup-prise.

Belphegor: Is it soup?

Hadrian: I soup-pose it could be.

Belphegor: Enough with the soup puns.

Hadrian: No!

(*five minutes later*)

Belphegor: It was fucking TACOS.

* * *

Hadrian: Did you just refer to a knife as a "people opener"?

Belphegor: Should I not have?

* * *

Timoteo: Sup, boi. Where da weed at? Who got loud pop?

Xanxus: Fuck, the old man forgot to take his pills.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> BTW Leimakid is the only one among his friends to have actually obtained a driver’s license. The deer accident is now canon. (∩_∩)


	3. Part III

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Levi: What's a good response to someone stabbing you with a knife?  
Lussuria: That hurt.  
Squalo: Rude.  
Belphegor: That's fair.  
Eidolon: Not again.  
Hadrian: Are you going to want this back, or can I keep it?

Levi: What's a good response to someone stabbing you with a knife?

Lussuria: That hurt.

Squalo: Rude.

Belphegor: That's fair.

Eidolon: Not again.

Hadrian: Are you going to want this back, or can I keep it?

* * *

Mammon: Are you feeling alright, Squalo?

Squalo: Well, I've got this headache that sort of comes and goes.

Xanxus: (*appears*) 

Squalo: And it just came back.

* * *

Squalo: Would you please not Cat Sìth this into a worse situation than it already is?

Hadrian: Hang on, did you just use my codename as a verb?

* * *

"I've already cleared my schedule so that I can mentally prepare myself for my inevitable doom." - Gargouille

* * *

Hayato: What’s a five letter word for happiness?

Tsuna: Manga

Hayato: Tsuna

Tsuna: What?

Hayato: What?

* * *

“Ladies do not start fights, but we can finish them~” - Kaguya

* * *

“What's your name again, I forgot? I think it starts with an O... Is it Opportunistic Asskisser?” - Hadrian to Ottavio

* * *

“~Please stop misgendering me~  _ You fucking piece of shit! I told you _ -” - Mammon while playing ukulele music

* * *

Eidolon: Yay! Hari's snapped! They're gonna save us all!

Hadrian: (*rips off someone's head*)

Vardoger: "Oh no! Hari's snapped! They're gonna kill us all!"

* * *

Xanxus: (*laughs maniacally after Iemitsu suddenly died in the middle of the Ring Battles*) He's gone! He's finally gone! I’m so happy right now! I might not even slaughter you all!

Tsuna: Re-Really?

Xanxus: Oh no, you’re all thoroughly screwed.

Tsuna: Awww.

* * *

Varia Mook #1: You know what I hate? Child murderers.

Varia Mook #2: Oh no, here comes one now!

8-Year-Old!Belphegor: Ushishishi. I'm gonna getcha~

* * *

“Their default settings are sassy, sarcastic, and bitter. Your choice on which version you’d rather deal with.” - Leimakid about Hadrian

* * *

"Alcohol is not the answer, but it certainly makes you forget the question." - Xanxus

* * *

Hadrian: (*taking a siesta in the confession booth to get away from the usual Varia chaos*)

Lussuria: (*stepping into the opposite side to confess his sins*)

Lussuria: Bless me, Father, for I have sinned.

Hadrian: (*waking up*)

Lussuria: I masturbated to my Boss again.

Hadrian: (*chokes on air and saliva*)

* * *

Leimakid: You do realize that you're not actually our dad of our little group, right?

Gargouille: Excuse me, what?

* * *

"Forgive me, Father, for I save sinned... in the coolest and most glamorous ways possible!" - Lussuria

* * *

Levi: Anything that comes out of your mouth is stupid.

Hadrian: Levi.

* * *

Xanxus: I’m giving up alcohol for a month.

Squalo: Really?

Xanxus: Wait, that didn’t come out right… 

Xanxus: I’m giving up. Alcohol for a month.

* * *

Eidolon: If global warming was a person, it would be you.

Gargouille: What? Worsening day by day while getting ignored simultaneously by millions of people for the sake of their own happiness and peace?

Eidolon: I-I was gonna say hot...

* * *

Squalo: It says here that you’re good at small talk.

Vardoger:  yes

Squalo: HOLY FUCK-

* * *

Kaguya: What do the words “take out” mean to you?

Hadrian: Food.

Eidolon: Hitman.

Leimakid: Date.

Gargouille: All three if you’re not a coward.

* * *

“If salt is a natural preservative does that mean I will never age?” - Xanxus

* * *

Squalo: ...and then he ran into my sword.

Mammon, staring at the bloody mess in front of them, traumatized: How many times?

Squalo: ...I lost count.


	4. Part IV

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Random Don: I really love this whole “good cop/bad cop” thing you two have going on!  
Hadrian: It’s not really a thing, it’s more like Leimakid is nice, and I’m not.

Random Don: I really love this whole “good cop/bad cop” thing you two have going on!

Hadrian: It’s not really a thing, it’s more like Leimakid is nice, and I’m not.

* * *

Leimakid: Roses are red, violets are blue, sunflowers are yellow, tulips come in all kinds of colors, daffodils are also yellow -

Gargouille: Is that supposed to be a poem?

Leimakid: Oh, Freya no, I just like flowers!

* * *

Lussuria: So... I see you've been spending a lot of time with Boss lately.

Hadrian: No, Luss! It's not what it looks like! I swear!

Lussuria: Oh really? So no reason for me to be jealous?

Hadrian: No, Luss, you're the only one for me!

Lussuria: Is that so?

Hadrian:I swear to Persephone! Xanxus and I are ust fucking, ok? He's my boyfriend!

Lussuria: So there's no best-friend-feelings involved?

Hadrian: You're still my one and only best friend! Xanxus's just the love of my life, nothing more!

Lussuria: But I'm still the platonic love of your life, right?

Hadrian: Of course, Sorella.

Lussuria, weeping a waterfall: Hari-chan~!

* * *

Xanxus: ......What the-

Massimo, at an important meeting: DON'T FUCK WITH ME! I GOT THE POWER OF GOD AND ANIME ON MY SIDE!!!

Timoteo: ...

Xanxus: ...

Federico: ...

Massimo: AaaaaHhhhhhH-

Reborn, years later to Tsuna: And that's why everyone silently agreed we were all better off when we found out that he's sleeping with the fishies.

* * *

"I was a pacifist. But now I'm going to pass-my-fist through your face!" -Leimakid

* * *

Gargouille: How tall are you?

Hadrian: Height is a social construct.

Gargouille: So you're short.

* * *

Belphegor: You can say "Have a nice day" without a problem. But you can't say "Enjoy the next 24 hours" without sounding vaguely threatening.

Mammon: Bel, I worry about you sometimes.

* * *

Hadrian: I have a plan!

Everyone: It can't involve self-sacrifice.

Hadrian: I no longer have a plan.

* * *

Gargouille: I cut my finger, and it's bleeding.

Leimakid: Just put pressure on it.

Gargouille, to his finger: If you don't become a proper Pureblood heir, your family will disown you.

Leimakid. ...No-

* * *

Levi: Aren't you a little too old to be getting instant boners?

Lussuria: I don't get instant boners.

Lussuria: ...

Lussuria: I get eventual boners.

* * *

Xanxus: Why are you looking at me through a fork…?

Hadrian, angry with Xanxus: I’m pretending you’re in jail.

Xanxus: Why?

Hadrian: It’s spiritually healing.

* * *

Belphegor: I came into this world screaming and covered in another person's blood... I am not afraid to leave the same way!

Hadrian: You worry me sometimes.

* * *

Kaguya hits her hand on a corner.

Kaguya: Ow! My armkle!

Gargouille: ...

Hadrian: ...

Leimakid: (*sighs*) She means her wrist.

* * *

James: Girls are so hot.

Sirius: Guys are so hot too!

Remus: Why is everyone so hot?!

Lily: Global warming.

* * *

Hadrian: I have a plan!

Gargouille: I have the hospital on speed dial!

* * *

Gargouille: I wish I was a caterpillar.

Kaguya: Why?

Gargouille: Eat a lot, sleep, then wake up beautiful.

Kaguya: But you'd live for like a week.

Gargouille: Another highlight.

* * *

Hadrian: Fuck, Gary!

Eidolon and Vardoger: We're trying!

* * *

Eidolon, flirting with Gargouille: Did you know I was once arrested for being too handsome.

Kaguya, trying to help Gargouille: The charges were dropped immediately due to no supporting evidence.

Gargouille: (*dying of laughter*)


	5. Part V

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kaguya: What are the hardest things to say?  
Gargouille: I was wrong.  
Hadrian: I need help.  
Eidolon: Worcestershire sauce.

Kaguya: What are the hardest things to say?

Gargouille: I was wrong.

Hadrian: I need help.

Eidolon: Worcestershire sauce.

* * *

International Confederation of Wizards: Okay, everyone, what do we do about the Bloodless?!

British Ministry of Magic: WHY DON’T WE TAKE THE WIZARDING WORLD, AND PUSH IT SOMEWHERE ELSE?!

* * *

Vardoger: "Why is Hadrian on top of the Christmas tree?"

Lussuria: I couldn't decide between a star and an angel so I went with both.

* * *

Squalo, about their next target: I need you to kill him, but make it look like an accident.

Belphegor: Say no more!

(*later*)

Detective: It looks like the killer completely dismembered him and then placed a banana peel at one of his feet…

* * *

Squalo: Let me get this straight.

Eidolon: More like let me run this bi you.

Leimakid: Let's pan this out.

Belphegor: Let's ace-ess this situation

Lussuria: I'm gay.

* * *

Hadrian: Being salty is so last year.

Hadrian: Start being marinated. Let the hoes know you've been swimming in rage and emotions for a long ass time.

* * *

Hadrian: I'm an orphan.

Lussuria: Not anymore you're not.

Hadrian: I'm adopted?

Lussuria: (*grinning*) Hi adopted, I'm Sorella!

* * *

Kaguya: What do we say when we get depressed?

Gargouille: Depression is chronic, but my ass is iconic.

Kaguya: No.

* * *

Hadrian, at Starbucks: Can I get a venti vanilla latte with uhh, seven espresso shots?

Squalo: Jesus Christ, just do cocaine like a normal person, why don't you?

* * *

Gargouille: Good morning, cruel world.

Belphegor: Don’t you mean “good-bye”?

Gargouille: This world may be cruel, but I’m still alive.

* * *

Lussuria: Do I look cute?

Police officer, taking his mug shot: For the love of God, please stop asking.

* * *

Snape: Shoes.

Sirius: Tennis.

Snape: Socks?

Sirius: Yeah.

Snape: Top?

Sirius: Remus.

Snape: ...

Sirius: ...

Snape: I meant shirt.

Sirius: ...oh.

* * *

"I don't need gasoline to start a fire. All I need are these two hands and a lack of supervision." - Eidolon

* * *

"Some people are like clouds. Once they're gone, it's a beautiful day." - Petunia Dursley

* * *

Squalo: I truly believe water can solve all of our problems.

Squalo: Weight loss? Drink water.

Squalo: Want clear skin? Drink water.

Squalo: Tired of someone? Drown them.

Mammon: Squalo, no-

* * *

Leimakid: Let's slow dance.

Kaguya: (*does the macarena at 1/4 speed*)

* * *

Belphegor: I have invited you here because I desire to play the deadliest game-

Gargouille: Knife monopoly.

Belphegor: ...Actually, I was going to hunt you for sport, but now I'm intrigued.

* * *

Belphegor: Hey, why did the chicken cross the road?

Squalo: Why?

Belphegor: To get to the bitch's house. Knock knock.

Squalo: Who's there?

Belphegor: The chicken.

* * *

Hadrian: Calm down! I know what I’m doing!

Xanxus: Not even God knows what you’re doing.

* * *

Leimakid: So what do you have planned for the future?

Hadrian: Lunch.

Leimakid: No, like long term.

Hadrian: Oh... hmm, dinner?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have the twins down as bi; Leimakid and Kaguya wielding the pink; yellow and blue pans; Hadrian, Mammon, Xanxus, Belphegor as demis; Lussuria rocking that rainbow; and Squalo and Levi as the token heteros. (*・∀-)☆

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you've been enjoying the Acedia series so far. Feel free to send me your own incorrect quotes so I can include them in the next update. Thank you so much for reading~ ( ✧ᄑ ͜ʖᄑ)


End file.
